Small Business Start Ups

By Anastacia Mott Austin

I have a more urgent question for him: attorney General Michael Mukasey gets hung up on questions over the use of waterboarding as a form of torture, While the nomination of potential U.S.

He should be made to take my three kids grocery shopping, because it seems to me that if he is in favor of this form of torture. How does he feel about taking young children to the store?

And then there's the kids. . . Screaming monsters you see in the checkout line are exceptionally deviant forms of humanity, i know that those of you without children think that the horrid.

) Nuh-uh! No they weren't. . . (No they weren't. They were not like that before they got to the store. But those children are not sociopaths in training.

The ones you see every day at grocery stores, from the moment we pull into the parking lot a twitchy transformation takes place and they become "those other" children. Until we go to the store. For the most part cool people, sometimes helpful, they are relatively well-behaved. Generally decent kids, my children are your average fairly normal, for example.

Here's how the typical shopping excursion used to happen with my kids:

" We need to stop at the grocery store. Me: "I need eggs.

" All the other mothers don't make their kids go to the store whine some more, my kids: "Whine complain stall bicker hit each other whine she's-looking-at-me.

And run up to the store without sliding the car door shut, the kids don't even glance at the stuff. An apple core and a spoon, along with last month's field trip permission slip and somebody's dirty gray sock, a week's worth of little empty plastic water bottles fall out onto the sidewalk and bounce directly under the van where I can't get them. We pull up to the store and slide open the door of the van.

" And what are the rules of the grocery store, someone needs to shut the door? Me: "Wait!

" They still don't shut the door to the van. My kids (in robotic unison): "Listen to Mommy hold Mommy's hand don't touch anything stick by Mommy.

" Kid #1: "Can I go in the cart?

" )! You went last time (stop talking at the same time as me! Kids # 2 and 3: "No fair!

" Me: "No one is going in the cart.

Kid #1 immediately disappears. We walk into the store.

" Me: "Does anyone need to go to the bathroom before we get started?

" Kid #2: "Can I go in the cart?

" Me: "I said no.

" You said he couldn't go in the cart, kid #2: "No.

" Me: "Nobody is going in the cart.

We proceed to the produce section.

" Materializing next to the samples of cantaloupe: "Can we have a sample, kid #1?

" It's not or-gan-ic, kid #3: "No.

" Kid #1: "I wasn't asking you.

" She looked at me mean! Kid #3: "Mo-o-o-o-m!

") (General "did not did too did not did too did so did not did TOO!

" Older woman looking from the lettuce to my children putting used toothpicks back into the clean toothpick cup: "You sure have your hands full.

" Me: "Yep.

Kid # 1 disappears again.

Now they just run around everywhere, because then they were contained in the front seat of the cart or in the sling; but I can't remember why, i used to think it was harder going shopping when my kids were smaller.

Fun times. " Apparently no one has a nostalgic fondness for the times when their children had snot on their faces from a runny nose but squealed like a stuck pig when even asked to wipe it. I remember when mine were this age, "Oh, when your kids are older nobody stops you to look fondly at your sweet babe and say, also.

Nobody helps me. And start picking up raspberries, at least nobody else will get a berry my kid just touched with her snotty hand, i think to myself. Berries bounce everywhere. And a pile of those greens they set things on to the floor where they scatter, berries, sending tray, then bumping the back of the plastic tray, touching every one of them before choosing the best one, kid #2 wipes her nose on the back of her hand and reaches for a raspberry from a pile of sample berries.

" Picking up a squished berry her sister has just stepped on and eating it: "Yum, kid #3.

" She ate a raspberry off the floor! Mo-o-o-o-om! Kid #2: Gross!

") (Variation on "did not did too did so did so not did TOO!

) You do, (Yes! I know you do, you do it too. A different older lady is now looking at me with that look the kid-less people give people like me at the grocery store.

" " and "because I said so, " "I said no, " And I said "No. . . . "Can we have, i could tell you about the 106 times they asked me. How the fish guy took three hundred years to carefully wrap my tilapia in brown paper as if he were working the gift wrap counter at Macy's while Kid #2 ate 50 samples of crab cakes and then put the dirty toothpick back into the clean toothpick container, how Kid #3 actually licked a package of sushi and put it back before I could see which one it was, i could give you the play-by-play about the rest of the trip.

Knowing I couldn't catch them all at once and that the little brother was probably going to be the first one caught anyway, i could tell you about how once they figured out I was not going to buy them popsicles they decided it was a lost cause anyway (and that I wouldn't yell at them or put them into a time out in front of the Ben and Jerry's case) and decided to run screaming in separate directions.

I started unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt. Where Kid #1 re-materialized in time to touch all the candy bars in the counter display, we finally got to the checkout counter.

" Kid #2: "I have to go to the bathroom now.

" Me: "Can it wait?

" I'm going to pee my pants, kid #2: "No.

" Me: "Well I'm sure there's an extra pair of pants in the car somewhere.

Kid #2 decides she actually can hold it.

'" Mournfully: "I sneezed and no-one said 'bless you, kid #1.

" Me: "Bless you.

" Kid #1: "It's too late now.

" ? . . Kid #3: " Can I have.

" Me: "No.

" Kid #3: "You don't even know what I was going to ask.

" Me: "Doesn't matter.

" ! Loudly: "No fair, kid #3!

" Older lady behind us in line: "You sure have your hands full.

" Me: "Mm-hmm.

" "We had worms, kid #1 comes back and tells the cashier. The kids run around and touch things, while I pay the cashier.

I realize when we get to the car that I've forgotten to get eggs. We leave the store, with groceries in bags, finally done.

" Kid #3: "Can I go in the cart?

And who has to go to the bathroom, what interesting personal information they reveal to the cashier, which one of them has the runny nose, mostly on what items they touch, there are variations of course. That's pretty much it.

Because you have it more together than I do, or putting together a craft project involving creating a perfect miniature California mission out of popsicle sticks or something. Then you should be writing this article instead of me, if you haven't. You may have had similar shopping trips, as a parent.

Here are the best ones: So that you won't have to endure the torture scenarios we used to go through, i have learned some tricks over time to help reduce the chaos of the family grocery trip, despite the preceding story.

Spring for a quick mani-pedi and then complain to your spouse about traffic when you get home, you can finish the shopping, " If you're super-fast about it. She should take a parenting class. Good thing my own kids are perfect, "Wow, or watch that other mother with her uncontrollable offspring and think, smiling at the other customers, you can quietly roam the aisles in peace. Or arrange to have him/her watch the kids for an hour or two while you run errands, have your spouse do the shopping instead, unless it's completely unavoidable, seriously. Don't bring your kids to the store with you, for God's sake! 1.

Like: try some torture-proof kid control techniques, if option #1 just isn't possible (and it sometimes isn't for any of us), 2.

This is an effective tip, if you can deal with it. Which could include a full-on frothing tantrum in the cereal aisle, and you have to be willing to deal with the fallout if they aren't. Period, they don't get the treat, if they aren't good. The key here is following through. That they will receive after the shopping trip if they have been well-behaved and followed the rules, a treat or a small item, tell the kids they can pick ONE thing. Is a surprisingly effective parenting tool, when used sparingly, bribery. It works, don't roll your eyes like that, oh come on. Bribe them. 3.

Bobo while her frozen hamburger melts. And a higher likelihood that the person behind you in line isn't going to want to hear about your child's imaginary friend Mr, too many escape possibilities also. Too many people who are too tired and cranky to be patient with kids. When everyone in your town is there trying to get something together for dinner, try to not visit the store during peak hours. 4.

And there are times when they just can't deal with the whole thing either, they're people too. Right after school or during their regular nap time. i.e, try not to go when your children are especially tired or cranky themselves. 5.

You may have more tricks up your sleeve and more patience than if you try to fit it in on the way home from soccer practice or basket-weaving class, if Mom has advance notice. Its best to give the entire family some advance notice so you can all be prepared for the experience. 6.

For example, or be responsible for remembering to get eggs, they can help find certain items. It makes them feel more responsible and they'll be less likely to want to sabotage the entire scene if they're part of it. You can give them tasks to help you, if your children are a little older. 7.

Then make it clear that there will be consequences to pay once you are in the car or at home, "we will sit here until you are calm"), if you're not comfortable doling out consequences in the public eye (and who wants to sit on the floor outside Ben and Jerry's case saying. Go over the rules before you go into the store. They'll give up and try to get your attention in other ways, and if they don't think they can get it, kids crave approval from their parents. And making sure that child gets positive reinforcement, you can use this to your advantage by praising the one child who is being good (if that actually happens), if you have more than one child. Or not being able to watch their movie when they get home, no getting treats. i.e, there should be consequences, " If they don't follow these rules. My children are well-versed in the "stick by Mommy hold Mommy's hand don't touch anything listen to Mommy shut the van door. And equally clear about what will happen if they don't meet those expectations, be clear about what you expect from your children. 8.

The most important and effective tool for shopping with kids: and finally, " But that's just me. "Let's get real, i'm often more of a mind to think. It's usually some other mom who can do it, and between you and me, " You have to be in the right mind-set to accomplish this. " or "How many apples can you count without touching any of them? "Let's see who can stick right by me the longest! And make it a game, take a deep breath before going into the store. But try to enjoy the experience, this sounds a little counterintuitive. 9.

See #1. 10.